Payback

Ahh, the good ol' days, when the bus did all the work for those
who cannot do for themselves.

Pandemic pandemonium knows no limits. Transit workers everywhere do this job under enough stress in normal conditions. For the past two months, given the amount of our ranks who have died from Coronavirus, it has increased exponentially. On a rare occasion, we are treated to a smile-worthy event or two.

Here in Portland, we now have this announcement on our vehicles, which repeats itself ad nauseum throughout our shifts:

"Please cover your coughs, maintain at least six feet of distance between others, and exit through the rear doors. Thank you."

Few take notice, but repetition seems to have driven the point home to at least half the riding population.

However, many passengers still grapple with the imagined complexity of operating the back door on our newest buses. Instead of leaving a great idea alone, the folks at Gillig decided passengers needed to be less-coddled. Once upon a not-so-long time ago, back doors opened as the operator flipped the release handle. Now it is interactive. People need to know how the door works in order for it to open.

Self-opening doors, ha! A thing of the past. Today's passengers no longer pay attention to anything but the device in their hands. To actually glance up and see what model bus is approaching, noting its quirks, is beyond their comprehension.


A bus is a bus, so why should they need cognitive skill to exit? Puh-leez.

They stare at the door, or they ram it. A shrill alarm sounds. Then, they invariably stare at me as if I'm to blame for the damn thing not opening. "BACK DOOR!" they yell in an accusing tone, as if I'm not eager for them to leave. It appears they expect me to secure the bus, walk back and open it for them. Not in this lifetime, buddy.

"Cuddle up to the back door like it's someone you adore," I'll tease. "Then caress it between the handles. It loves that."

Blank stares ensue, until another passenger in the adjacent seat reaches out and breaks the laser's field, causing the mechanism to operate.

This causes us great frustration. It's very easy to open a door, especially if you watch how others do it. Basic Studies 101, Junior. It's funny how people my age are usually employ advanced observation techniques. One evening I watched as a lady balancing a baby, bottle bag and two bags of groceries back her bum toward the door, then swiftly pivoted and hopped off as it opened. Precise timing. Moms are the best!

Just the other evening, I grimly noted a young couple leave the very back seat and bound all the way forward as if to exit the front door. I kept it shut. They stopped in the Priority Seating area, clearly annoyed.

Before they could say anything, I bellowed "BACK DOOR!"

Oh, how I love that look on a passenger's face when this operator gets his just revenge.