Day 5: Emotional Encompassing

Deke's Note: Yeah, I took a day off from blogging. While I may have cabin fever, my mind is with those who are still working. Transit, medical, fire, police, postal, grocery store, gas station, caregiver, sanitation, many others... they're still out there working while I sit here in isolation. My older son was laid off from the restaurant where he serves. We all share stories of sacrifice and horror. My hat is off to YOUR devotion and fear during this collective moment of hysteria.

Here I sit under self-quarantine, watching my COVID-19-exposed son for further signs of infection. He still has a headache, cough and luckily no further symptoms other than early-spring allergies. We cannot be less vigilant though. I've felt guilty staying at home whilst my union brothers and sisters have weathered this storm without me in the seat amongst them. I feel guilty. I'm not there, but YOU are. What gives me the right to sit tight at home while you brave the worst? Nothing I know of. It feels cowardly to sit here, safe at my keyboard knowing you have been, and will be tomorrow, exposed to the deadliest threat of our lifetime. I'm truly sorry to not be weathering this storm with you, and please know you have my greatest respect that you do.

My Beloved's dear, sweet mother (and father too)
 is one of many
I pray for safe delivery from the
COVID-19 scare we all face.

Today was cathartic for me. Last night, I could not sleep. The novel I've read in spurts captured my attention for a full 160-pages, but it did not offer any solace. I could not drop off to sleep after my eyes became weary from those words. Throughout my reading, I could not focus upon anything other than what I felt for those who operated transit vehicles in my absence. The guilt was heavy. However, I also realized that if I had been driving as usual, my presence would have presented me with an equally-strange guilt.

What if, in my desire to endure regardless of COVID-19 dangers, I had been actively-exposed to someone other than my son while in service? This exposure to anyone who may have coughed whilst entering my ride, my skin coming into contact with their unknown exposure, might have had horrific implications. Operating an already-infected vehicle would have been of no value to those I love most. Excited once again to return to my Beloved's embrace, all the while infecting her immune-weakened body with an unwanted and possibly-deadly virus, I could now be faced with her impending departure from a promise that is supposed to last another few decades at the least. Either way I choose, my decisions could have disastrous effects.

So here I sit, at home and presumably safe from outside infection while also praying my son is not COVID-19 positive. A stranger, more dangerous dilemma I have never faced before.

I recently lost my great friend Wayne Kyle (right).
Here, he and my dear pal Dan discuss
that which once divided them.
Now, I pray their connection serves
to bring us ALL together.

Still, this unprecedented crisis has had its positive, incredibly uplifting side effects. My nephew, with whom I have been estranged for many years, accepted my phone call tonight. We forgave each other our mutual trespasses, and worked through the fears we all face through this health crisis. Politically, we may be separated. However, our family ties are thankfully much stronger. I pray for the health of him, his lovely wife and two beautiful young sons. THEY are the future of our family line, along with mine and another brother's. No matter what has come between us in years past, what remains strongest is our mutual love of family. And that, my friends, is so incredibly vital to us ALL during this moment in time.

We're all in danger, whether we are brave enough to admit it. If I fail to make it through this pandemic, I pray that of all, my family knows they matter most to me. All my life, I have been blessed by the strongest support mechanism known to all of us throughout all time: blood. Tonight, I had the most wonderful of all opportunities: I was loved by my wife, COVID-19 exposed son, daughter, another son, brothers and a long-estranged nephew. If I were to die as a result of this worldwide plague, I would do so with the happiness that now, they ALL know how much I love them.

Dad, on his 90th birthday
with two who loved him dearly.
He knew that love overpowers all
that might otherwise
separate us.

With this, I wish everyone safe passage through the most difficult passage we may ever have to face. It takes courage, diligence and faith to come out the surviving side. With any luck, I'll have the grand opportunity to hug many of you who also find the light on the other side of this sick tunnel.

Meanwhile, please accept the fact that I'm not "out there" for the simple reason that if infected, I refuse to expose you to it. In a week, I'll be back operating a bus... unless I become yet another statistic.

I'll be waiting there to see you, only if we're both blessed to find that wondrous light together. Once we do, please remember I've been praying for you this whole time. Thank you for persevering, praying for me as I do you. Bless you all.

Be strong, and I promise to remain YOUR
Deke N. Blue