Our New Snow Bus Design!

New "Icinator Snow Bus" Design.
(By Tom Patterson)

It's time for a major re-design of our buses for snowy weather. Let's have a look.

Instead of tires, let's scrap the wimpy chains and have flatter and fatter rubber bases with iron teeth to bite into the snow and ice Portland decided not to plow or salt. Ignoring the non-flammable liquids rule, we'll retrofit flame throwers shooting out from the undersides to melt the crud the tires churn up. Notice the snow plow on the front of the bus. And for moving those little cars spinning around in front of us, a spring-fired boxing glove.

A few more ideas that would be helpful might include a longer ramp for starters. That way, passengers who are forced to boogie across 15 feet of icy moon craters to board can simply sashay up into the bus. This is in answer to snowplows making bus stops impassable by shoving road snow into the pullouts. I'd also like a boxing glove at the front door, to handle passengers who whine about our being late. (BAM! Next, please?) Winches with hydraulic slappers in the front would allow us to free stuck cars from the ice, and fling them up onto the sidewalks to clear our service stops.

The PA system could be updated as well. "You stood in the snow for 30 minutes and you're just NOW getting your fare ready? You're early for the NEXT bus, moron! Please exit this one."

Oh, we can dream, right? If you have any additional design suggestions, please feel free to let me know so we can incorporate them.

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(Stay tuned for my next blog post this coming weekend. I'll have lots of fun stories to tell by then. Well I have them in my cranky old head right now, but I'm going to bed. Gotta rest for the next day's fun now that Snowpocalypse 2017 has finally died.)